Thoughts of a Dad While Pooping: Why Not to Test the Patience of a Stay-at-Home-Mom of Three

So it happened. Every man’s worst fear – I just accidentally locked myself in the bathroom without my phone. 😳 

Of course, this is every woman’s dream come true and Ashley sure got her wish. The events to follow unfolded in three horrifying phases. 

Phase I: Reaching Out for Help

I started by screaming “Mommy” (and all variations of the name), just like any one of our toddlers would, for probably five minutes. I knew this was a familiar call for her and she was sure to respond. My voice was a little hoarse from a recent cold, so I knew it wasn’t as loud as it could be, so I kept at it in hopes that maybe she wasn’t ignoring me – rather, she just couldn’t hear me. 

It got to the point where I leaned forward to the floor vent and started screaming into the vent so that the message would reverberate through the whole house. This, too, was to no avail. 

My last ray of hope was when I heard Ava and Liv playing with Little Mermaid stuff right outside the bathroom door. It took another five minutes for Livi to acknowledge me but that, too, became hopeless quickly as she mocked what I was saying then scurried away somewhere. I was left with the sounds of fake jewelry  echoing through the halls. The situation was becoming desperate.

Phase II: Threats

I kept screaming for Mommy while I thought what I should do next, in hopes that I might get annoying enough that she’ll just give in. But, something to know about Ashley: her resolve is strong and she does not get annoyed (she is surrounded by toddlers all day, every day). 

Finally it came out in desperation: “I SWEAR TO GOD WOMAN IF I DONT GET MY PHONE IN FIVE SECONDS I’M GONNA COME DOWN THERE AND POOP RIGHT IN THE LIVING ROOM! THEN I’LL WIPE MY POOPY BUTT ALL OVER THE COUCHES!” I realized this was a bad move when I heard the kids bust out laughing from all corners of the house and silence from Mommy. The siege was on and I was afraid I might not last. 

Phase III: Depression & Acceptance

The reality of my situation was starting to set in. I knew I was almost done pooping, entirely without my phone. The mood in the bathroom at that point was one so somber you could almost hear that Sarah Maclachlan song playing while asking for just 5-cents a day could pay for Daddy to have his phone.

I was so alone, in this moment. The two girls were still playing Little Mermaid somewhere. Ashley was hiding out relishing in this one victory for women everywhere – women who spend their lives salty that Daddies get this one moment of privacy. And of course Landon, the only other man in the house and the only one who could save me, was in preschool at this very moment. 

In defeat, I wiped. I flushed. There was only one thing to do now – revenge. 

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